i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
