3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
