Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
