3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
they're like a gay fantastic four
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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