upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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