My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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