he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
