you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
