How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
