I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
