I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
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