Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
there's paper in my vomit.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
