My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
