the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
