I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
