You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Who died my cat blue again?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
