piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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