I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
