I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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