How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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