Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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