my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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