i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We are all done wearing pants today
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
