I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
