I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
