I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Randomize
