I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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