It was confusing and full of hummus
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
