Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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