I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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