I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
