I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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