Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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