Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
