Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
