We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
