I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
