Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
