you mean i was at the winter classic?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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