Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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