Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
