I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
