stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
