so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
