Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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