he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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