i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
