I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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