there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize