Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
