Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
