I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
