mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
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