Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
